I’m a stage IV cancer survivor and involved in the young adult cancer world. We talk about the implications of how people frame healing with regard to cancer. It’s tough because if you say, “God healed me,” the next question is why me and not them?
And that’s me. I’m a miracle. And I feel that tension. Miracle is such a loaded word that I rarely use it. But no one thought I’d survive. At one point I had 50 mets (cancerous tumors) in my brain. My oncologists are just free-soloing with me now because in their words., “There is no one like me.”
So, why am I cancer free now, but my friends have died - some with the same diagnosis. I did have a lot of people praying for me. But that’s tricky. Do we pray to get God to act? And do more prayers lead to better outcomes? Does that mean the one quiet prayer goes unheard? That’s obviously problematic and paints God in a poor light.
Those some might make that claim anyway, based on cancer existing at all. But I don’t think we were ever promised we wouldn’t suffer. People written about in the Bible suffered all the time. God suffered in human form.
I like what Dietrich Bonhoeffer says, that it’s the suffering God that helps us. (Rather than a distant almighty god). God walks with us and comforts us and brings us through suffering. But as for the “why do some die and some don’t” question.... that’s still a mystery to me.
I live in this tension between gratitude and survivor’s guilt. I still pray for things, for people. My faith has changed a lot and I’ve cut ties with Christian culture, but I still believe in bringing things before God. I guess the mystery in the result still something I wrestle with.
I did have this one moment in the middle of cancer treatment where I was suddenly and irrationally overcome with gratitude. It occurred to me that years and years of prayers written in journals, whispered, were answered in one fell swoop. I mean, it was basically the same prayer. And it was answered in the perfect time. I still wasn’t confident that I would survive cancer. But it changed how I thought about prayer.
Honesty, prayer (like meditation or contemplation) changes us more than our circumstances.
Now I will express my other complaint about religious judgement. There are people that believe that when you suffer it’s because you or someone in your family has sinned. As if cancer is a punishment for some dark secret. It’s no surprise because the friends of the famous biblical sufferer, Job, also thought that. But it is super toxic. A woman in my mom’s church didn’t want anyone to know about her diagnosis because she didn’t want them to judge her that way (to which my mom was like, is that how you see us??).
We are supposed to walk with each other in grief and suffering. Everyone grieves and everyone suffers. We are supposed to whisper about their faithfulness.
Anyway, I love Sufjan. I saw him during his Age of Ads tour and it was incredible. I also love his Illinois concept album and get very emotional about his friend/lover that died. As I’m sure I will listening to his latest album. I’m really drawn to artists who wrestle with things in life instead of trying to fit them in a neat box with a consistent message (like a lot of Christian artists and writers).
I heard this attributed to CS Lewis, but it’s not confirmed. He (may have) said that he is not a Christian writer. He is a writer who happens to be Christian. That switch in thinking allows for a broader perspective., greater imagination, and the ability to be truthful.
As far as reader-response... I generally do this, but I also like to use other criticism as well. Why not explore from many angles?
Thanks, Andrew! Forgive the typos and the autocorrect of Age of Adz. And, of course I meant that we are not supposed to whisper judgments about others’ faithfulness.
No problem, Lanie. I saw him on that tour too and agree with you wholeheartedly. And yes: whispering judgments sucks. I can't think of a context in which it doesn't.
Really liked this. Love Sufjan, devastating song, the lyric “and he takes and he takes and he takes” always kills me
Kills me too.
I’m a stage IV cancer survivor and involved in the young adult cancer world. We talk about the implications of how people frame healing with regard to cancer. It’s tough because if you say, “God healed me,” the next question is why me and not them?
And that’s me. I’m a miracle. And I feel that tension. Miracle is such a loaded word that I rarely use it. But no one thought I’d survive. At one point I had 50 mets (cancerous tumors) in my brain. My oncologists are just free-soloing with me now because in their words., “There is no one like me.”
So, why am I cancer free now, but my friends have died - some with the same diagnosis. I did have a lot of people praying for me. But that’s tricky. Do we pray to get God to act? And do more prayers lead to better outcomes? Does that mean the one quiet prayer goes unheard? That’s obviously problematic and paints God in a poor light.
Those some might make that claim anyway, based on cancer existing at all. But I don’t think we were ever promised we wouldn’t suffer. People written about in the Bible suffered all the time. God suffered in human form.
I like what Dietrich Bonhoeffer says, that it’s the suffering God that helps us. (Rather than a distant almighty god). God walks with us and comforts us and brings us through suffering. But as for the “why do some die and some don’t” question.... that’s still a mystery to me.
I live in this tension between gratitude and survivor’s guilt. I still pray for things, for people. My faith has changed a lot and I’ve cut ties with Christian culture, but I still believe in bringing things before God. I guess the mystery in the result still something I wrestle with.
I did have this one moment in the middle of cancer treatment where I was suddenly and irrationally overcome with gratitude. It occurred to me that years and years of prayers written in journals, whispered, were answered in one fell swoop. I mean, it was basically the same prayer. And it was answered in the perfect time. I still wasn’t confident that I would survive cancer. But it changed how I thought about prayer.
Honesty, prayer (like meditation or contemplation) changes us more than our circumstances.
Now I will express my other complaint about religious judgement. There are people that believe that when you suffer it’s because you or someone in your family has sinned. As if cancer is a punishment for some dark secret. It’s no surprise because the friends of the famous biblical sufferer, Job, also thought that. But it is super toxic. A woman in my mom’s church didn’t want anyone to know about her diagnosis because she didn’t want them to judge her that way (to which my mom was like, is that how you see us??).
We are supposed to walk with each other in grief and suffering. Everyone grieves and everyone suffers. We are supposed to whisper about their faithfulness.
Anyway, I love Sufjan. I saw him during his Age of Ads tour and it was incredible. I also love his Illinois concept album and get very emotional about his friend/lover that died. As I’m sure I will listening to his latest album. I’m really drawn to artists who wrestle with things in life instead of trying to fit them in a neat box with a consistent message (like a lot of Christian artists and writers).
I heard this attributed to CS Lewis, but it’s not confirmed. He (may have) said that he is not a Christian writer. He is a writer who happens to be Christian. That switch in thinking allows for a broader perspective., greater imagination, and the ability to be truthful.
As far as reader-response... I generally do this, but I also like to use other criticism as well. Why not explore from many angles?
You should write a newsletter, Lanie. I would read that newsletter.
Thanks, Andrew! Forgive the typos and the autocorrect of Age of Adz. And, of course I meant that we are not supposed to whisper judgments about others’ faithfulness.
No problem, Lanie. I saw him on that tour too and agree with you wholeheartedly. And yes: whispering judgments sucks. I can't think of a context in which it doesn't.
How about reading the Bible this way?
I Am So Glad You Mentioned This.
Exactly.
Sounds pretty anabaptist to me, no? 😉